Monday, October 20, 2003
wow man this sat night kicked so much ass, everything was amazing. i got over the fact that i dont like the idea of having to 'prove' myself again, since everyone pretty much got a taste of what i'm like when you get to know me. it's just as i thought and as i've been told, that things get better as time progresses. after last night, the feeling of homesickness is almost totally gone, i'm very set in my routine and in my life here now, everything's falling into place as i hoped
Sunday, September 14, 2003
a weekend back home really put things into perspective...it's unbelievable how much I miss these people. It's not just because I got so used to them, it's also because friends really are hard to find. I don't know if I'm just on a crappy floor in my dorm, but right now there's only a handful of people that I can actually see myself still being around with in the next few years. I miss the way you're just immediately comfortable when you're around old friends. Now I don't know whether I'm being overdramatic, because grade 9 was a similar situation - few friends and countless first-glance judgments. I'm sure that as I get to know these people, I'll start to like them and get used to them as well. It's hard for me to let go of things...I guess that includes my friends.
Thursday, September 04, 2003
well it's not been a bad week in perspective, I've found some pretty cool ppl on my floor, but definitely what I expected. I thought everyone was going to be friends and every girl was gonna be hot, but I guess I just let my imagination run away with me again.
there's no doubt in my mind that it's going to be a great year, I'm slowly settling in and getting comfortable here. I realized that you can't just go blindly into a party or a group of people and expect everyone to be open, I found out that I work great in small groups, but it's kinda hard to infiltrate an entire room...especially one where the ppl in it already know each other and you don't know anyone, so you don't have any fallback friends you can chill with when you want to take a break from socializing. gotta build a crew first, then that'll make it so much easier to branch out and make friends....at least that's how I see it now...maybe I'll learn something new.
there's no doubt in my mind that it's going to be a great year, I'm slowly settling in and getting comfortable here. I realized that you can't just go blindly into a party or a group of people and expect everyone to be open, I found out that I work great in small groups, but it's kinda hard to infiltrate an entire room...especially one where the ppl in it already know each other and you don't know anyone, so you don't have any fallback friends you can chill with when you want to take a break from socializing. gotta build a crew first, then that'll make it so much easier to branch out and make friends....at least that's how I see it now...maybe I'll learn something new.
Saturday, August 30, 2003
My feelings of frustration have been almost completely melted away by the idea of change. I don't think I'm going to miss them, but the thought of being away from them does make me a little sad. I think it's mainly because I'm so used to them.
It's a weird phase, half-in, half-out. Everyone says they'll miss you, and you say that you'll miss them, but that's a temporary thing ... erased by the excitement of meeting new people. People will only remember how much they miss each other when they see them again, at least I'm assuming that my view is the view of everyone else's.
At this moment, the feelings of excitement have gone rotten, and I'm all out of anticipation. I'm in "let's get this shit over with" mode. I guess that's the way it has to be, because you have to live in reality...it's no longer some unreachable goal, some faraway aspect, it's here baby, and you gotta live with it.
I admit I was a bit overdramatic in the earlier posts, but that's been the story of my life. I've always blown things up way out of proportion. I don't know why I do that, I guess it just makes life more interesting that way.
I'm going to meet new people tomorrow, people that have never heard of me -- so much for resting on my laurels. I've been hyping it up for months about how I'm going to be such a mack, such a "cool guy" and make up for my crappy grade 9 year (socially, at least) -- it's time to put that to the test.
It's a weird phase, half-in, half-out. Everyone says they'll miss you, and you say that you'll miss them, but that's a temporary thing ... erased by the excitement of meeting new people. People will only remember how much they miss each other when they see them again, at least I'm assuming that my view is the view of everyone else's.
At this moment, the feelings of excitement have gone rotten, and I'm all out of anticipation. I'm in "let's get this shit over with" mode. I guess that's the way it has to be, because you have to live in reality...it's no longer some unreachable goal, some faraway aspect, it's here baby, and you gotta live with it.
I admit I was a bit overdramatic in the earlier posts, but that's been the story of my life. I've always blown things up way out of proportion. I don't know why I do that, I guess it just makes life more interesting that way.
I'm going to meet new people tomorrow, people that have never heard of me -- so much for resting on my laurels. I've been hyping it up for months about how I'm going to be such a mack, such a "cool guy" and make up for my crappy grade 9 year (socially, at least) -- it's time to put that to the test.
Sunday, August 24, 2003
Party was okay, a little disappointed, felt like not enough ppl were drunk and lots of ppl left early, which sucked.
Also I lost my voice / tried to sing extremely loud.
The thought of university kicked in, it's next week, and that's okay. I can handle it, I'm excited, and not scared at all.
I don't know if I'm going to miss any of these people, because I can only know when I'm actually away from them. You don't know what you got til it's gone.
Although I really do doubt that I'm going to miss them -- just because I'm either gonna be too busy or because I'll see them when I visit home or because they don't mean a lot to me.
University is gonna kick some serious ass.
Also I lost my voice / tried to sing extremely loud.
The thought of university kicked in, it's next week, and that's okay. I can handle it, I'm excited, and not scared at all.
I don't know if I'm going to miss any of these people, because I can only know when I'm actually away from them. You don't know what you got til it's gone.
Although I really do doubt that I'm going to miss them -- just because I'm either gonna be too busy or because I'll see them when I visit home or because they don't mean a lot to me.
University is gonna kick some serious ass.
Saturday, August 16, 2003
i've since calmed down from the last time i wrote here.
i think i wrote that way since at that point, i hadn't been out w/ them in a long time...but now, i've been spending a lot of time with them. and rather on focusing what i don't like about them, i'm remembering why i like them.
i just hope that in university (first of all, that i'm able to go...damn poverty), i can actually make friends as easily as i imagine it to be. i also really really hope that it doesn't suck. by "suck", i mean that it'll be full of people who i don't like (or simply don't get along too well with), or that it'll be extremely boring. but then again, maybe these fears are unfounded and normal, and they're a natural part when going into a big change. i don't think i've fully understood and grasped the concept that university is only about 2 to 3 weeks away...it still seems like that surreal, unreachable *thing* that is only an idea right now.
seann's party should serve as a pretty good transition though. logic dictates that it should be a good party.
oh yeah. that blackout was pretty cool...i've always griped about how you can't see the stars in toronto b/c of the damn light pollution. it was amazing to see the sky with no light tainting the view, it was the only way to see the sky as itself, and i can't believe it actually happened
that is all for now
i think i wrote that way since at that point, i hadn't been out w/ them in a long time...but now, i've been spending a lot of time with them. and rather on focusing what i don't like about them, i'm remembering why i like them.
i just hope that in university (first of all, that i'm able to go...damn poverty), i can actually make friends as easily as i imagine it to be. i also really really hope that it doesn't suck. by "suck", i mean that it'll be full of people who i don't like (or simply don't get along too well with), or that it'll be extremely boring. but then again, maybe these fears are unfounded and normal, and they're a natural part when going into a big change. i don't think i've fully understood and grasped the concept that university is only about 2 to 3 weeks away...it still seems like that surreal, unreachable *thing* that is only an idea right now.
seann's party should serve as a pretty good transition though. logic dictates that it should be a good party.
oh yeah. that blackout was pretty cool...i've always griped about how you can't see the stars in toronto b/c of the damn light pollution. it was amazing to see the sky with no light tainting the view, it was the only way to see the sky as itself, and i can't believe it actually happened
that is all for now
Monday, July 28, 2003
every day in this summer, the summer of 2003, has been spent in painful anticipation
I WANT AND NEED NEW FRIENDS
i see things how they really are. most of the people i spent time have insecurities that haunt them and permeate into every part of their life. luckily there's a select few who know how to live life properly and not be bitches about everything.
fuck it if i'm being insensitive
everything they do has an aura of "ohh look at me. i'm so hurt. life is so hard and love is such a difficult ordeal. why? why??"
FUCKING LOSERS
it also pisses me off how everyone in the group has paired up. are these people seriously trying to ruin everyone's life? selfish. fucking selfish.
at least some people have a sense of decency and courtesy to other people.
are they really so insecure that they have to get some sort of weird validation by having a fling?
these people are so tiresome and boring. more people like me are needed. people who are confident for one thing. i can't understand how you can be 18 or 19 years old and be afraid to talk to people. sure, there's an aspect of being nervous. but if that reaches to the point that you're afraid to talk to people, man, you have a fucking problem and i'm sorry, because i can't and dont want to help your sorry ass.
i've often wondered whether this anger has stemmed from jealousy or frustration.
i'm pretty sure its frustration.
man, i gotta find hotter friends. i'm almost ashamed to show my site. about a year ago i'd say, fuck it, theyre my friends, and i like who they are, personality > appearance, and that bullshit that people tell themselves b/c theyre in denial from the truth. i don't know what changed my point of view, maybe it's the realization that i can do a lot better?
i should mention that there are some people in my circle of friends that i actually like and care about.
sadly because of such a bad social start to high school i can't really see myself hanging around another group of people.
i live and breathe these people but i'm gasping of fresh air.
university.....such a beautiful, unreachable concept now....an idea whose manifestation is taking so long that i wish i could take a long nap, and when i wake up, it would be there.
the idea of a new start is too much for me to even grasp. i have learned so many lessons in this past year (especially in oac) that i KNOW i'll be the person i want to be, no longer living in self-hatred like i did back in early high school. i'll know what i'm doing socially. i will make friends. i will not be afraid to go up to people.
the beginning of the end...
I WANT AND NEED NEW FRIENDS
i see things how they really are. most of the people i spent time have insecurities that haunt them and permeate into every part of their life. luckily there's a select few who know how to live life properly and not be bitches about everything.
fuck it if i'm being insensitive
everything they do has an aura of "ohh look at me. i'm so hurt. life is so hard and love is such a difficult ordeal. why? why??"
FUCKING LOSERS
it also pisses me off how everyone in the group has paired up. are these people seriously trying to ruin everyone's life? selfish. fucking selfish.
at least some people have a sense of decency and courtesy to other people.
are they really so insecure that they have to get some sort of weird validation by having a fling?
these people are so tiresome and boring. more people like me are needed. people who are confident for one thing. i can't understand how you can be 18 or 19 years old and be afraid to talk to people. sure, there's an aspect of being nervous. but if that reaches to the point that you're afraid to talk to people, man, you have a fucking problem and i'm sorry, because i can't and dont want to help your sorry ass.
i've often wondered whether this anger has stemmed from jealousy or frustration.
i'm pretty sure its frustration.
man, i gotta find hotter friends. i'm almost ashamed to show my site. about a year ago i'd say, fuck it, theyre my friends, and i like who they are, personality > appearance, and that bullshit that people tell themselves b/c theyre in denial from the truth. i don't know what changed my point of view, maybe it's the realization that i can do a lot better?
i should mention that there are some people in my circle of friends that i actually like and care about.
sadly because of such a bad social start to high school i can't really see myself hanging around another group of people.
i live and breathe these people but i'm gasping of fresh air.
university.....such a beautiful, unreachable concept now....an idea whose manifestation is taking so long that i wish i could take a long nap, and when i wake up, it would be there.
the idea of a new start is too much for me to even grasp. i have learned so many lessons in this past year (especially in oac) that i KNOW i'll be the person i want to be, no longer living in self-hatred like i did back in early high school. i'll know what i'm doing socially. i will make friends. i will not be afraid to go up to people.
the beginning of the end...
